


BIG!! BLONDE!!! BY DOROTHY PARKER SMASH

by lalalalalawhy



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 03:36:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3193805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalalalalawhy/pseuds/lalalalalawhy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HAZEL MORSE GOOD SPORT. DOROTHY PARKER HATE GOOD SPORT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BIG!! BLONDE!!! BY DOROTHY PARKER SMASH

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, period-typical alcoholism, and a lot of awful dismissals of depression. All are present in the original work as well.
> 
> This is a straight up parody of one of Dorothy Parker's short stories, "Big Blonde," rewritten as though the writer were a rock man. You can read the original here: http://www.unz.org/Pub/Bookman-1929feb-00639

**_FIRST CHAPTER!!! ___**

HAZEL MORSE BIG AND BLONDE. TINY FEET. SHE HAVE BIG ARMS AND FRECKLES AND PRETTY HANDS. SHE WEAR RINGS, BUT RINGS NOT MAKE HANDS PRETTIER. MAKE HANDS WORSE.

HAZEL NO LOOK BACK TO PAST. GOOD JOB HAZEL.

IF SHE DID, HERE WHAT SHE SEE: WHEN SHE TWENTY SHE MODEL FOR DRESSES, AND SHE POPULAR. SHE NO LIKE IT, BUT GOOD SPORT. MEN LIKE GOOD SPORT.

SHE NO HAVE IDEAS, SHE FALL IN LINE SAME SAME WITH OTHER BIG BLONDES.

HERE COME HERBIE MORSE. HE A THIN MAN, AND SHIFTY. DRINK TOO MUCH.

"YOU DRINK TOO MUCH," SAY HAZEL.

SHE LIKE HIM, EVEN THOUGH HE DRUNK. MAYBE BECAUSE HE DRUNK. SIX WEEKS LATER, BOOM. MARRIED.

HAZEL LIKE BEING BRIDE. SHE WANT BE MARRIED, LIVE IN NEW YORK ALWAYS. SHE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. SHE BEEN GOOD SPORT LONG TIME. HERBIE RICH ENOUGH AND HAVE PRETTY APARTMENT.

SHE LOVE BEING MARRIED, NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD SPORT. SHE TIRED OF BEING GOOD SPORT.

**DOROTHY PARKER SMASH GOOD SPORT!!!!**

SHE CRY LOTS, EVEN IF NOT SO SAD. TO HER WHO LAUGH SO MUCH CRYING TASTE GOOD. WORLD SAD ANYWAY.

OLD FRIENDS FADE, PEACE COMES. HERBIE LIKE PEACE, THEN HE NO LIKE ALL SUDDEN LIKE. HERBIE CAPRICIOUS.

SICK OF HER CRYING, HE GO OUT, HE COME BACK DRUNK.

WHY MARRIAGE SMASHED?

SHE WANT HIM TO WANT HER. SHE NEED HIM TO NEED HER. BUT HE DRUNK. AND HE NO READ.

**(DOROTHY PARKER SMASH NO READ!)**

HAZEL NOT KNOW WHAT DO. SHE NO COULD MANAGE. SHE NO COULD MEET. INSTEAD FIGHT. FIGHT FOR DOMESTIC LIFE.

SHE WANT SWEET COMFORTING EVENINGS, BUT SOMETIMES SHE DRESS UP AND GO OUT TO STEAK AND HERBIE GET DRUNK.

"LET'S SMASH, WHAT SAY?" SHE TELL HERBIE. "WE SLEEP WHEN DEAD."

HERBIE DRINK TOO MUCH. SHE SAY "YOU DRINK TO MUCH." HERBIE GET ANGRY. SAY "CRAB CRAB CRAB, THAT YOU. LOUSY SPORT."

HAZEL START TO DRINK TOO. BECAUSE ANGUISH IN HER. SHE DRINK SCOTCH. HERBIE SAY GOOD.

"ATTA GIRL," HE SAY, "YOU GET DRUNK."

BUT NO SAVE SMASHED MARRIAGE. DRINK AND QUARREL. QUARREL AND DRINK.

NO MORE MAKE UP CUDDLES, HAZEL NO SAY SORRY NO MORE. THEY ONLY FORGIVE AND FORGET WHEN DRINK. BUT FIGHT WHEN DRUNK.

HOW THAT FOR IRONY? **DOROTHY PARKER SMASH IRONY.**

WORDS TURN DEEDS AND HERBIE HITS. HE SAY SORRY. DRINK MORE, FIGHT MORE, HE LEAVE.

ALL THE TIME LEAVING, ALL THE TIME THREATENING NOT COME BACK. HAZEL NO BELIEVE. THINGS CHANGE, SAY HAZEL. THIS MY LIFE NOW, SAY HAZEL. 

HAZEL CRY ONLY FOR SELF.

HAZEL DRINK ALONE, ALL DAY. HAZEL IN HAZE. LIFE LIKE A DREAM. NOTHING ASTONISH.

MRS MARTIN MOVE IN ACROSS HALL. BIG BLONDE OF FORTY. HAZEL AND MRS BECOME FRIENDS. DRINK LOTS, BUT NO SHARE TROUBLES. HUSBANDS ALWAYS ENIGMAS.

MRS MARTIN HAVE ADMIRER. ADMIRER HAVE FRIENDS. THEY THE BOYS. THE BOYS BIG AND FUN. HERBIE NO COME HOME ALMOST NEVER. THE BOYS BRING LIQUOR.

HAZEL GOOD SPORT WITH BOYS.

ED IS BOY FROM UTICA, HAVE BUSINESS. ED MARRIED, BUT ED HAZEL'S SPECIAL FRIEND. PLAY FOOTSIE AT POKER. SOMETIMES SHE WIN MONEY. 

GOOD THING, TOO. HERBIE GET POSSESSIVE OVER MONEY.

"YOU GET DRUNK WITH MONEY??" HE SAY.

"I TRY BE A GOOD HOUSEWIFE," SHE SAY, "BUT YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICK."

**DOROTHY PARKER SMASH UNGRATEFUL PRICK.**

ED KISS ON CHEEK. SHE THINK OF KISSES WHEN NOT WITH HIM.

ONE AFTERNOON, HERBIE COME HOME. ON BED, GREY, HANDS SHAKING, SUITCASES PACKED.

"I BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND," HE SAY. "I GO TO DETROIT, GOT JOB."

"GOOD JOB?" SHE ASK. "YEAH," HE SAY. WHEN HE LOOK AT HER, FOREHEAD TWITCH.

"GODDAMMIT I THROUGH I TELL YOU! I THROUGH WITH SMASH!"

HE MAKE TO GO, BUT HAZEL OFFER DRINK. DRINK TOGETHER ONE LAST TIME.

"MUD IN YOUR EYE," THEY SAY EACH OTHER. "GOOD LUCK," HE SAY. "I BE ALL RIGHT," SHE SAY.

SHE TELL ED HERBIE GONE THAT NIGHT. "WHAT YOU DO? YOU STAY?" HE ASK. SHE DON'T KNOW AND DON'T CARE. WHEN HE KISS HER VIOLENT THAT NIGHT, SHE ENTIRELY PASSIVE.

"LITTLE TIGHT, HONEY?" HE SAY.

"I SWELL," SHE SAY

HAZEL BACK TO BE GOOD SPORT. **DOROTHY PARKER SMASH GOOD SPORT.**

**_CHAPTER TWO!!!!_ **

WHEN ED LEAVE IN MORNING, HE TAKE PHOTO. SAY WANT PHOTO TO LOOK AT IN UTICA. 

SHE PUT PHOTO OF HERBIE IN DRAWER. DROWN TROUBLES IN WHISKEY. PUT HER IN MIST.

SHE ACCEPT ED WITHOUT QUESTION, BUT NO ENTHUSIASM. HE GIVE HER PRESENTS, ALLOWANCE, BUT SHE CAN'T BRING SELF TO CARE.

WHEN LEASE UP ON APARTMENT, SHE MOVE. ED WANT HER HAVE PLACE NEAR GRAND CENTRAL. WOULD BE EASIER ON ED, HE SAY.

SHE HAVE COFFEE AND NO FOOD, BUT PLENTY ALCOHOL. PROHIBITION? MORE LIKE HAHABITION. IS JOKE. SHE NEVER SOBER. ALWAYS NEED MORE TO BE HAPPY. SHE HAVE BLACK MAID WHO COME BY TO CLEAN. (NAME NETTIE. IMPORTANT LATER.)

ED BRING HER TO JIMMY'S, NEW RESTAURANT. HAZEL MEET NEW FRIENDS. ALL FRIENDS AT JIMMY'S LOOK THE SAME: BIG, STOUT, EASY TO LAUGH. ALL GOOD SPORTS. ALL MARRIED, BUT ALL FREE. ONLY A FEW DIVORCED.

ALL WOMEN COMFORTABLE, AIM OF EACH WAS TO HAVE ONE MAN PERMANENTLY TO PAY BILLS. IN RETURN WOMAN GIVE UP ADMIRERS, GIVE FONDNESS, TRANQUILITY. WOMEN BE GOOD SPORTS.

**YOU KNOW DOROTHY PARKER'S FEELINGS ON GOOD SPORTS.**

ED INCREASED ALLOWANCE, BUT NO LIKE NOT GOOD SPORT. SHE BE CAREFUL WITH MOODS. HE NOT LISTEN TO TROUBLES.

"I GOT PLENTY WORRIES OF OWN. NO NEED YOURS. BE SPORT, FORGET IT," SAY ED.

**(DOROTHY PARKER HATE SPORT.)**

WHY CAN'T HAZEL BE SAD? OTHERS SAD? WHY HAZEL BE SPORT?

"WHAT MATTER WITH YOU?" NOT-FRIENDS SAY. "HAVE DRINK. SNAP OUT OF SAD."

ED MOVE TO FLORIDA. HE SAD, BUT HAZEL NOT MISS. PLEASED TO SEE HIM COME, NOT SAD SEE HIM GO.

OTHER MEN COME TO ADMIRE HAZEL. CHARLEY, ONE YEAR, THEN SYDNEY. SYDNEY ADMIRE HAZEL BECAUSE HAZEL A SPORT, EVEN WHEN DRUNK.

"ONCE I HAD GAL," SYDNEY SAY, "TRY TO THROW SELF OUT WINDOW EVERY TIME DRUNK. JEEEE-SUUS."

**DOROTHY PARKER SMASH SYDNEY. SUICIDE NOT JOKE.**

SYDNEY GO, THEN BILLY. NO, SYDNEY, FRED, THEN BILLY. LIFE HAZEY FOR HAZEL. MEN COME, MEN GO, NO SURPRISES. 

DAYS LOSE MEANING, DATES STREAM TOGETHER. HAZEL SO TIRED. TIRED AND BLUE.

THOUGHT OF DEATH COME. STAY WITH DROWSY CHEER. HAZEL WANTS KILL SELF. SHE DREAMS: NEVER PUT ON TIGHT SHOES, NEVER HAVE TO LAUGH WITHOUT FUNNY, NEVER HAVE BE GOOD SPORT.

NEVER.

BUT HOW? HAZEL NEVER JUMP FROM HEIGHTS, NO STAND GUN, NO GAS IN FLAT, NO LIKE SEE BLOOD, NO LIKE HURT. POISON? BUT POISON NOT FOR SALE.

ART, NEW MAN, SAY SHE BEST SPORT IN THE WORLD.

NOT-FRIENDS TALK INSOMNIA. CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT SLEEPING PILLS. HAZEL'S EARS PRICK UP. SLEEPING PILLS ARE LIKE POISON.

"WHERE SELL SLEEPING PILLS?" HAZEL FEEL MACHIAVELLIAN.

"JERSEY" IS ANSWER.

NEXT DAY HAZEL GO JERSEY. BUY TWO BOTTLES SLEEPING PILLS. "I HAVE ENOUGH KILL OX," HAZEL THINKS.

HAZEL LOOK AT VIALS IN DRAWER ONCE HOME. "THERE THEY ARE, GOD BLESS THEM," SHE SAY. 

HAZEL FEEL LIGHT FOR FIRST TIME IN FOREVER. SHE GO OUT. SHE SEE HORSE STUMBLE, SO SAD, SO HEAVY, EVERYTHING TERRIBLE. HAZEL CAN'T HELP FEELING SUNK.

ART SAY "PULL SELF TOGETHER. SIT DOWN, TAKE SAD FACE OFF."

HAZEL GLOOMY. HAZEL GO HOME. 

HAZEL UNDRESS WITH TENSE SPEED, TAKE SLEEPING PILLS TO BATHROOM. TOAST SELF WITH WATER. 

"HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE."

IT TAKE LONG TIME SWALLOW TWENTY PILLS.

"GUESS I GO BED," HAZEL SAY. "GEE, NEARLY DEAD." HAZEL LAUGH.

**DOROTHY PARKER SAD.**

**_CHAPTER 3!!!_ **

MAID NETTIE FIND HAZEL. SHE NOT WAKE UP. NETTIE GET DOCTOR. HAZEL NOT WAKE UP.

"WHAT SHE BEEN DRINKING?" DOCTOR ASK.

NETTIE FIND PILL VIALS. 

"OH, FOR SWEET SAKE," DOCTOR SAY. "WHAT SHE TAKING TRIPE FOR? ROTTEN YELLOW TRICK. WE HAVE TO PUMP HER OUT. NUISANCE, IT AMOUNTS TO."

"SHE NO DIE ON ME, RIGHT?" CRY NETTIE.

"NO," SAY DOCTOR. "GOD NO. YOU NO KILL HER WITH AXE."

**_CHAPTER 4!!!!!!_ **

AFTER TWO DAYS, HAZEL COME BACK. "OH LORD," SHE SAY, AND CRY. 

NETTIE HAD TAKEN CARE. NOW SHE ASK WHAT HAZEL TRYING TO DO. TELL HER HOW DIFFICULT SHE MADE EVERYONE ELSE LIFE.

"JUST CHEER UP," NETTIE SAY.

**DOROTHY PARKER SMASH JUST CHEER UP**

HAZEL SEE ENTIRE LIFE SPREAD OUT: DRINKS, BE GOOD SPORT, WORLD STILL AWFUL. 

"NETTIE, POUR A DRINK." MAYBE WHISKEY WOULD BE FRIEND AGAIN. PLEASE LET HER ALWAYS BE DRUNK. 

"HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE, NETTIE."

"THAT'S THE WAY! YOU CHEER UP NOW!"

"SURE."

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This took forever and has not been beta'd. If you see any errors, please let me know! 
> 
> I thought it would be fun to rework a famous Dorothy Parker story in the style of Dorothy Parker as a Rock Man. I chose Big Blonde largely because of the title. Turns out it's a really intense story. Enjoy!


End file.
